Concerns, Responsible Solutions

 

As we were having tacos and enchiladas at El Minuto, the Mexican restaurant at the corner of Main and Cushing Street, I expressed my doubts, while using a napkin to wipe sauce from the corner of my mouth, I stare at it for a while, as the taco stain in the napkin had the beautiful shape of a hand glider.

“But wait a second. We don’t want that nomination yet.” I told Gage Skinner, “If we do that now, according to what you and Delaporte have said, the properties will increase in value and will make houses very desirable for people with money to buy, fix and sell them, causing massive displacement of those here for generations.” 

My concern may have made me clumsy, I was becoming aware of a Catch 22 trap that I was digging the people in the neighborhood and myself into, as I had to wipe more spicy taco sauce from my chin between bites. To save the Barrio from physical demolition, we could be condemning it to accelerated economic displacement and gentrification.

But Chris Delaporte’s assistant was optimistic.

“It will take some time, in the meantime, we’ll help you with writing a grant for an Economic Development Project, called the Challenge Grant. To be used for the Adobero Yard program, so your group can make and sell adobes blocks. In addition, you are working on Community Development Block Grants (CDBG) funds to reinforce the existing home ownership, and now you have a Tool Library, plus, other ownership strengthening programs, so by the time this becomes reality, the neighborhood will have the tools and economics needed to protect the existing property owners. These positive comprehensive actions in your Barrio are what is needed. You are doing it right”. Then he added, “This sounds like the opposite from death by multiple wounds, kind of like life-growth by multiple social and economic deeds.”

All of it sounded good, but nothing happens by itself. Once you set certain forces in motion, you need to accept certain responsibilities for their follow-through and repercussions, even if they say it is better to light a candle than to curse the darkness, once you and others can see, you must do. I kept digging myself deeper. I had only planned to stay in Tucson for three years or so.

Talking about responsibilities, in personal relationships I was running in and out of girlfriends who did not feel I paid them the attention they deserved. I admit I was sometimes irresponsible in my romantic ventures. I can develop good friendships with women, but when it turns romantic my sense of balance gets less predictable. This is what tells me that although I don’t excel in either, I do better in the intellectual rather than the emotional arena. I must strive for a balance. Common sense.

Looking back, I have had some wonderful relationships in which I would believe the lady also felt the same, but I have also made innumerable mistakes when it comes to women, and I can honestly say that I was mistreated now and then as well. I tried hard to keep my personal relationships from becoming involved in neighborhood activities.  

In other matters, while I was aware of current issues, I was not a participant within the in-crowd of liberals or conservatives. I did not take part in any sports or any activity in support of any other social movements, ecological movements, gay rights, or political parties. I was aware, but I took no part for or against any of them other than listening to heated conversations at a bar or by the swimming pool, or at the gym. My father would often say that when two people argue, it’s not that one is right and the other wrong, or 40% – 60%, it is more like 70% – 80% so that what is right from each, usually can adds to more than 140%. The key is to find what is right that you didn’t know before, from what the other person says, and learn from it. So, I am always looking for that. I care that people listen to my arguments, but I don’t care that they agree with me. Each person has their opinion. I don’t care to win an argument. I care to learn. I do care when I have to stop corrupt actions, only then I strive to win. With evil you have to fight fire with fire.

From family values, I learned respect for all humans, for the other gender, for intellectual exercise, for an open mind, for strong character, for civility in disagreements, and a love for reading. In college, I got involved with the beginning of ecology concerns, but was burnt by others who were pursuing the ecology movement for the money with only lip service to a fake and faulty betterment of the globe. And jumping from responsibilities at work to irresponsibility in relationships, how did I know I was doing what was right in one when I was not doing so well in the other?

There were one-night stands which were fun but somewhat irresponsible. In particular, the short liaisons I had with a few women from the Communist Party, they were attracted to what they thought I was doing. They would try to convince me that communism was the answer for the victimized proletariat, the working class, whom they wanted to save and then enslave as is done in Russia, Cuba, China, and other places, letting people rot in widespread Government controlled distribution of poverty after killing all opposition. I would try to convince them of the error of their ways, while they tried to convince me that I was misinformed. They could not care to understand that communism and fascism, as other totalitarian governments, requires the population to be impoverished and very dependent, so that they cannot rebel with full effort needed to meeting daily needs, a form of modern-day slavery. Despite my struggle to understand them, or get them to understand me, neither she nor I would gain any ground in our discussions, but ideology is very enticing and the accompanying explosive sex was formidable.

The few relationships that lasted a few weeks of flares and affairs were the most agreeable. We were like two ships meeting in the night and spending reasonable time together trying deeply to understand one another but agreeing to differ and to continue free of responsibilities. When respectful of feelings, the rewards were pleasant, polite and devoid of emotional pain.

Then there were the few long term-relationships, which were formidable in the beginning, but the breakups were very painful and often demeaning. When you finally find a soulmate to spend the rest of your life with, as I have in my later years, your life changes and suddenly you see all the mistakes you made in your past. Although you want to say you are sorry, you can’t, since it is what you are now that allows you to see what you were not then. There is nothing you want to do now to change what you have. A relationship for life is not 50-50, it is not even 100-100. It turns out you must give 120% each, on both sides, then, and only then, are you no longer ever alone. Could that lack of balance be why the conflict between work in the Barrio and personal relationships occurred? What high percentage was I giving to the Barrio and how little was there left for the other?

However, in romance, as well as in community activities, the crux of the problem is similar. How much do you want to pay attention to the other person’s needs and agendas? How much do you want to give up your personal ego and share the power?

As I was struggling with my personal demons, a previous conversation with Ray on the issue of agendas had made me think of the connection other’s agendas had with community activities at the core. And I realized the problem is similar, understanding another person’s needs and agendas.

“Why do you keep bringing up the issue of people’s agendas?” Ray asked one day, “We all have our self-centered concerns, they drive our agendas. When well-channeled, they are necessary for personal growth. Each taking care of their own. Same for communities. Does life go beyond that?”

“Of course, it does! Is it the hot pepper in the food that makes you think that way?” I told him. “Because too many people are not willing to learn to accept, understand, and respectfully consider the agendas of others, unless it promotes their own needs.”

“Do you think you are not selfish as well?” He asked me.

“Yes, I am, very much so.” I had thought long and hard about how important it was to be selfish, and I voiced my conclusions. “You need to understand you are the center of your own universe. Once that is done, you can reach out and conclude that to others too, they are the center of their own universe, not you, and act accordingly.” Of course, I was barely learning this myself.

He looked at me with a raised eyebrow. “Maybe I see what you are saying. It is not until you acknowledge the reality of your existence as all you know. Beyond that, we go by faith. But what about the collective? Are you ignoring them?” He continued his thought. “To some people, the collective is the center of the universe, not themselves. To them, or so they say, it is important to think in terms of what is good for everyone. The globe is the center of the universe.”

“When you think that way, then ‘competition’ is no good. Also thinking about the collective can be considered a relinquishing of personal responsibility and of hiding behind the collective to avoid facing failings and avoid improving personal response. That is selfishness.”

“Not if it hurts the collective!” He shot back.

“And who determines that? Teamwork requires individuals to do their best, while the collective does not require that, for it is easier to hide behind the larger number of people. The collective denies diversity.”

I had the feeling that this issue of the collective against the individual initiative was going to be a constant battle. Some people prefer not to be responsible. Others prefer to control the masses. Was there a difference between thinking about the community and thinking about the collective? For some reason I never cared about the collective, but I always cared about the community. To me, the community is the sum of many individuals, diversity under one banner, while the collective is the washing out and diluting the individual. Could they be one and the same, or are they radically different? Or was I missing Ray’ point? If the globe is to be the center of the universe, then does it mean we are all under one ruler, control, or is the globe the sum of many very individual and different countries competing while striving to live harmoniously? The collective does not allow for creativity, or differences, to maintain harmony, except for the ruling class. The community, under my interpretation, encourages individual creativity and improvement while maintaining community harmony.

Changing the conversation or delaying it for later, I asked him, “So, how should we maximize the positive agendas of individuals in a community, and minimize the negative corrupted agendas of conflict and violence, created by ego, greed, political agendas, and a struggle for power by those with the wrong agenda?”

“You tell me.” Ray challenged me.

“Through team effort made up of individuals. You should strengthen the individual. Team sports pursue the same agenda to win, but by following the same rules. The goal is to play better than the other team and win. But that is not the real goal. The real goal of sports is for the individuals to improve themselves. The crux of life is that each individual, one at a time, has to gain or your group or the collective will not benefit. It doesn’t work the other way around since a collective that gains, does not necessarily mean that the individual will gain. The opposite, the majority of the individuals will lose because the collective gain may not answer the particular individual’s needs of each. So, by definition, the individual must pay for the collective to gain. You must lose a lot of your freedom and accomplishments for the collective to gain. Everybody must sacrifice, lose a lot of their freedom. The collective relinquishes your personal power, for a false sense of protection, and limited handouts, with the excuse that the beneficiary are the ones who need the most and do the least. In conclusion, the collective is others control you.”

“False sense of protection?”

“Look at Russia, China, and Cuba. Do you think that there is any real protection from jail for thousands of persons in such totalitarian governments?”

“So, you are arguing my point! They need protection from the USA.”

We both laughed. We were back to our usual differences. Ray wanted to be very aware of what was going on. It satisfied him, but he was content with others doing what was needed, not him. If his personal approach had not been so individualistic, I would have assumed he liked the collectives. Maybe the collective mentality for everyone else, but not for him. He would have made a good intellectual socialist, not a good practical socialist. Socialist are not practical. He was a hard nut to crack, but I didn’t give up.

After that conversation, I needed time to think. I went to Café Olé, sat by myself with a cappuccino and a scone, parked my truck for one hour, failed to watch it from the window and got a ticket.

From a community organizing point of view, your strengths can bring you together, but they are the same elements that can be used to destroy and tear your group apart[x], depending on how and by whom those elements are used, you need vigilance, don’t give them away. It’s also imperative to understand and respect other people’s agendas when they seem valid and fair. And especially, never, never give up.

I was careful not to overdose on coffee, so I always nurtured that one cup slowly, way past the cooling and cold stages, and got used to cold coffee. When we must, we can adapt. It is not easy to pursue the truth.